wow how time flys!

Okay, its been over 4 months since i posted on here. I sure do suck at blogging... well, life is life and what else is there to say. I gained 22 lbs back but now im back down to 259.4 as of this mroning. At his work, they are having a biggest loser contest! the winner gets 500 BUCKS!! so we have decided to do it together even though i dont get to stand in front of my peers and weigh myself, i have to do it at home. So hopefully, friday, we will start our new diet, TOGETHER. We dont want to start until he gets weighed in LOL.. so hopefully he can win the contest! I have gotten over myself and have decided that if he thinks im pretty enough to stay with me, then what do i honestly have to worry about? I will be posting "before"' pictures... not sure if i will put up the ones in the sports bra and tight shorts, only because i wouldnt want people out there to lose their lunch. BUT, i will take some less 'XXX' ones and post them. I will be weighing and sharing, as i think this will help me find my weaknesses. I am very very excited about this diet. Its going to be so nice for him to be right there starving with me for the first couple of days!!!! lol. I think it will be good for our relationship and our health. Plus, if all goes well, maybe we can get new clothes!!!! If we lose what we want to lose, we could shop in the normal people stores and not have to pay 80.00 for a pair of jeans just because they are "plus" size or "big and tall". I see light at the end of the tunnel and i am soooo happy to see it again! I wish i could talk to my friend from texas. I got to talk to her the other day and it just made my whole summer! Oh well, gotta go cook a really extreamly unhealthy dinner so we can enjoy it while we can!

wow its been almost 2 months since i posted last...

oops! didnt realize it had been that long. Lots has happened and i will put a shorter version than happened in real life. First off, i am still going strong on the weight loss... Im down to 261.1 and i am very proud of that. I got my job back working at the jail and its really effecting my eating.they have a room that is the size of my kitchen and living room together full of vending machines.... ice cream, candy, pizza, all kinds of crap and i LOVE THAT ROOM! I am having issues with self esteem and finding myself attractive and its really hurting my relationship. Hes putting up with it for now, but im not sure how much longer he can go without.. well, i dont need to put it...

I know im losing weight and im looking and feeling alot better, but i have no idea why i feel so UGH about myself. I dont want him to see me after a shower, dont cuddle with me, dont touch me. And i feel really bad. I think its the hormone theropy that i have recently been put on. I think its messing with my female balance. Which is NOT helping our relationship!! I just feel soooo tired because of my work schedule. Its working 16 hours one day, then the night shift the next, and then the eve shift... so my body isnt getting the normal sleep it was getting before which is making me not want to work out AT ALL. id rather just stay curled up in my bed with Nick laying next to me playing his DS. Whatever, i am just venting now. All in all, its been a good 2 months... ive got a lot of weight to go still but im hoping after april 7(my final foot appt) i will get the clear to run so i can start running again.

i make myself laugh in shame.

Okay, I know i told myself to only get on the scale once a week, but i just wanted to. I lost another pound! But, i was horrible! Yesterday, i did so good until about 11pm. I woke up normal, drank 32 oz right off the bat, had oatmeal for bfast, more water, and orange, more water, a meal bar for lunch, more water, and a really yummy salad ski made for dinner, and more water. I was so proud of myself. so we were laying in bed last night talking about obama and all of a sudden, i had the urge to eat some ramon noodles. And then he started talking about a sandwich with toasted bread. And before i knew it, i had my robe on and i was in the kitchen making noodles and a sandwich, which i then took BACK in our room and we ate IN BED AT 11:00 at night! i couldnt believe it. we both were so upset with ourselves. But i just figured ya know what, i messed up. Dont dwell.

I have started talking to Ski about losing wieght. LIke i said before, when we met, we were both mr. and ms. fit. well not fit, but he was nummy, and i was nummy... grrr i hate thinking about it. Anyway, i found out the other day he could go back in the navy if he dropped his weight, finish up his 6 years, and then have a retirement check the rest of his life. We started talking about if we lose 2 lbs a week TOGETHER, this time next year he could be going back in the navy, and i would be looking ALOT better. we would be healthy, and who knows maybe he would be off his meds for high BP and crap by then. He trys, bless him, but he is very weak. I am ordering the mayo clinic diet trio thing off amazon tomorrow. it comes with the journal, cookbook and book. I have heard and read wonderful things about it. maybe if i actually take the time ti write down what im putting in my body, i will think harder next time before doing it. and then when i get the cookbook, i will just make our meals from it. He wont have a choice but to eat healthy if thats all i fix. I have told him once and im sure i will tell him again if need be, i am NOT a short order cook, i wil not cook 3 meals for 3 people, you get one, and thats it... you dont like it, DONT EAT IT!

I have decided that this is going to happen for me. I have never been this excited about losing weight, its normally a bother. this time i actually want to do it. I know Im going to need a tummy tuck when im finished from all the fattness that i am now. I cant wait to see if i have enough money from returns to get an ellipitical machine. Another goal that i want to do WHILE losing the weight is quit smoking. And i know, "shes crazy" but, i figure why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone. why lose all the weight, then gain it back because i quit smoking. Ill just do them togehter and get it over with. Thats also something i have wanted and tried to quit about 50 times. I started smoking after i had Nick. I had SERIOUS post pardum depression, so serious i had to be in the hospital. Smoking has been my crutch for 4 years now, and im tired of it running my life, just like food. I sohulnt need to smoke when i get bored, or eat when im bored. whatever, i have rambeled.... maybe ill try this more often... its kind of nice to get it off my chest.

date night

I know i havent done this but for some reason, i feel like i dont want to tell whoever reads this my issues with food.
Since I last blogged, I haven't dont that bad. I lost 2 lbs, which is better than 0, and it was kind of nice to get on the scale and see something different. I havent stuck to my diet and i sure didnt last night. We got to go on a date for the first time in almost 4 years. we went to red lobster, and instead of me ordering off their "diet" menu, i ordered a fried platter or at least thats what i called it. Everything on that plate was fried and yummy as ever. I didnt eat very much all day yesterday just because i knew i was going to go crazy at dinner. I have decided that i will buy an ellipitical machine if i get a good tax return back. Our garage is cleaned out so i will have plenty of room. Plus it could be my ME time. For some reason, I have had a ton of energy the last 5 days or so. WE cleaned the attic, garage, and our bedroom out this weekend which would have never happened before. And today, all i want to do is get up and do something, but all i can do is clean. But who says cleaning cant be a chore. HAHA i crack myself up. Anyway, I have done 75 sit-ups, and 50 lunges today.(50 on each side but i guess its still 50 right) and i plan on doing some more sit ups after lunch. I have a doc appt tomorrow to see if i do in fact have a blood clot and friday i have one to see how my ankle fractures are healing. So hopefully ill get the clear to start walking for more than 15 minutes. I dont know. Back to the ellipitical machine, the reason i want one, and no im not talking myself into it, but when i was at the weight i wanted, i did the ellipitical everyday except sundays, because of course, thats the day of rest. I loved it. Id do it 45 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes around 7 at night. So pretty much every 12 hours i was gettgin at least 45 minutes of cardio. It doesnt hurt my back or knees and im hoping i can get my fiance to do it with me. I told him if we both lost 100 lbs (i want to lose more) we could get dual tummy tucks. We could save up for them and that would be our gifts to ourselves for the hard work. He is talking about trying to get back in the navy, and if he chooses to do that, he has to lose weight, which will be GREAT for me because we can do it together. Im gonna go for now. Hopefully i can get on here more often.

not real good at this...

It has been a week since i blogged last. I can make excuses but the simply truth is, i didnt take the time. I havent been 100% bad this week, but i havent been good. I find myself having to force food down my face. I have some problem with eating food thinking if i dont eat, i will lose more weight. Even though, a million docs have told me it does the opposite and thats part of my problem, is that i dont eat enough during the day and then have a HUGE meal for dinner. This weekend, my inlaws (even though i am not married, i consider them my inlaws because weve been around eachother for over 6 years.) I made pulled pork bbq, roasted potatoes, corn on the cob, salad, and a peanut butter pie for dinner sat. night. I didnt do horrible. I had one pork bun, 2 pieces of corn, and thats is. Well, the next night, we had the same thing minus the veggies, add chips and dip! I TORE IT UP. I felt like i was going to die! And during all of this, i was introduced to WINE. I stopped drinking 99% when i had my son. Only because it scared me to think he could be hurt or not taken care of if i went out and got drunk. This wine was wonderful! i drank a whole bottle, BY MYSELF, between sat and sunday. Now, ive done research and im going to have to choose my carbs wisely if i want to keep wine in my life lol. I have got to get serious about this. To my friend, who has motivated me to do this, thank you. I think about you everytime i pick up something i shuoldnt be eating. I know thats a horrible tihng to say, but i do. We will do this. Where you are now, being strong with it, is helping me a ton. I actually went on a 2 hour walk today with Nick. Put his butt in the jogging stroller and we went walking! With my ankle the way it is, i should not have done that, HOWEVER, it gave me more energy. Whatever, i am going to close for the night. Maybe ILl make this a normal thing and ill just do it after i finish my homework. I dont konw. Goodnight!

Motivation

I have never really been a blogger, but I am going to try this out. I must admit, I am NOT a fan of putting my weight loss struggle out to the world. But maybe its what i need. A friend of mine, well I still consider her on of my best friends, is doing the same, and I figure if she can do it, I'm not going to let her do it alone. Maybe we could do this together, even though we are 1800 miles apart. I have struggled with my weight my whole life. After High school, i joined the navy, lost all of the weight and LOVED the way i looked and felt. I was at 168 and wouldnt have changed the way i looked for nothing! Then, i found out i was pregnant, gained almost 130 lbs (not trying to make excuses but I was on bedrest the last 5 months, and well, I ate my head off because I was bored) After I had my son, I lost about 60 lbs FAST, i mean, within 3 months, it was gone. And i got lazy again. Needless to say, im right back to as big as i was when i was pregnant. My goal weight is 170-180. My real weight is a secret. I will share it when Im comfortable. I have tried all the diet pills, meal replacement shakes and bars, cleansing diets, everything out there. This time, im going to do it for me, first, and my family second. I keep wanting to do it for the wrong reasons, but I Refuse to be 30 and weigh as much as i do. I REFUSE!!! My son is now FOUR, and there is no reason to have baby weight. He is not a baby anymore, and if i call him one, he will correct me and say "no mommy, im a big boy". So this is the first blog and hopefully i can keep up with it!